I have a lot to say~

but little to type, I post some soon I promise but for now enjoy this song my next two weeks is hectic.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVjurb-mZdM

blah

The Ropes: the tv show..

I used to be a bouncer some years ago, people allowed me to
work the front door because I wasn't corrupt I couldn't be
bought people have tried to pay their way in and I always
refused. When I think about it I did this for two reasons
one. to make the douchebags go away and two. so that the
place I work in has a solid reputation.

Aside from some drunk guy giving me 80$ one time as I was
politely escorting him out I never took a dime off a customer.

Sure I shoved people out spilled their drinks on the floor
kicked them out by force etc etc... but I was polite and why?

Cause I had a home remedy back then, I knew when I come home I'd
crack open a few beers chill with the wife watch same shit tv and go
to bed, it wasn't a life it was a job.

Years later I learned the bad side of bouncing the shit that goes
on behind the scenes the ugly date rapes the other bouncers who
you rely on that stab you in the back so they can get a piece of
the shit off some deadbeat coke dealer who's selling in your work
place.

For a while I forgot all this, I forgot how evil and stupid our
society really is and I tuned it all out because I didn't wanna
think one second longer about where I worked at 'night' and what
went on.

So I got netflix a few months ago and I see a new tv show about
bouncers in some club, made by Vin Diesel a former bouncer mind
you. I watched it I reminisced I actually liked some of it.

It reminded me about the good old days, but I couldn't help but
remind myself of the bad ones too.. and there were many.

The reason I am typing all this is because if you are a male
who thinks this line of work won't fuck with your head and
won't mess you up you are wrong... don't do it seriously
you're better off working at starbucks you will have less
bullshit to deal with and you won't have to constantly look
over your shoulder cause someone might want to stab you.

The show is good mind you, it accurately portrays bouncer
life at a nightclub but don't be fooled that getting laid
at work and making easy money on the side doesn't come with
a price.

When I left bouncing in 2008 I seriously needed therapy
because of it, i found no answers anywhere and the only
thing that helped was reading blogs from two other bouncers
and saying to myself ' I am never going back... It's just
not worth it.'


And seriously when it's all said and done and the night
is finished when you're kicking it with your homies and
the cute waitresses it's no picnic cleaning blood off your
hand and wondering 'this fucker could have aids why am I
doing this'?


My scale got balanced into it's proper place when I quit
this line of work..


and seriously making 200$ average a night is not worth
your life, especially if you're dealing with violence.

At the mall..

Feeling depressed and no matter what I do I can't
seem to shake this 'feeling' why is it that this
never happened to me before? why is it happening
now, I used to walk through life and enjoy it
rarely paying attention to the details and the
bullshit I used to tune everything out including
people.

And now well now I seem to be taking everything
in and analyzing it to death, I suppose this is
how cynicism is born or maybe it's hereditary
or perhaps it builds up from an over exposure
to over reading philosophy and the like.
What pissed me of is that I could go to so called
expert doctors and ask these questions but my
questions never get the answers they deserve
instead I'm told to cheer up and continue
taking my pills.

That's the only solution they've got and that pisses
me off more than anything else I've ever encountered
in life. The notion that there are millions of people
like me out there who are all given pills and left
to fend for themselves.

Me and a buddy are walking through the mall both of
us feeling down about our lives, we spot a short fat
bald girl walking past us and we both look to each
other and say "at least we're not her" which is
something a lot of people do to make themselves feel
better if only for a second, but this is no solution
to how you feel about your life it's just a minor
distraction from yourself that makes you grateful
you don't have it that bad yet, there is still hope
right?

How do you get through days like these I ask him?

Well I'm gonna go home smoke a few joints have a
few beers and play Mass Affect 3.

I laugh, there's always video games!

I drive home punching the steering wheel a few
times on the way yelling at cars that won't move
out of my way fast enough, turned on my laptop
played Star Wars for a bit then got frustrated
at that as well, felt suicidal for a few minutes
took my pills and went to bed.

Woke up at 3pm feeling the same, I'm really getting
tired of this.

The return of pixie and other things part stupid..

I'm unknown almost forgotten, I left the recovery people
behind and there's a very select few I actually see
very rarely these past few months anyway, the main reason
being is this. They talk and when they do they want you
to listen they need an audience a nod whatever the fuck
they suck you in and they don't let go like vampires
and when three hours go by you're left wondering
'what did I just do with my wednesday night?'

Sobriety leaves you with a void I know this, but it's
cruel to take it out on other people and reason # 2 is
the majority of them and I'm not talking out of my ass
cause I'm so cool and kept up a job for soooo long.

The majority are beyond losers, with no credit history
jobs or job history or money for that matter... and despite
their so called sobriety very few are actually going out
there to better out their lives... for the most part a lot
are looking out for handouts are on well fare are in no hurry
whatsoever to get a real job and actually work for a living.

Sober or not people like this bother me, leeches with a
magnified sense of grandiosity which makes me wanna puke
and their biggest achievement being 'I've been sober for
18 months' wow fucking really? but you're still unemployable
and broke what have you done about that? aaah nothing as
usual cause you're feeding yourself off the system and
giving nothing back. gotcha... checkmark bubba

Because of this truth, and it bothers me to no end
I refuse to go back I refuse to listen to anything they
say and anything they think... call me judgmental I don't
care... what do you call a three legged dog?

So last weekend I decided to walk into said sobriety coffee
shop after going to a movie with Pixie and say 'hi' kill a few
hours what have you blah blah the end of my tounge these days
spells only once sentence 'I don't give a fuck as long as I
get home and sleep' as long as I achieve that I'm golden high
five!? ugh so what happens next....?

The suitor of said Pixie says hi and 'how are you doing?'
a question which I hate cause these people always assume
the worse as if I crashed my truck into a tree last night
and such... so I'm imediatelly pissed off at the question

I understand he cares maybe somewhat or pretends to but in
reality he wants to know 'what I've been upto' and how is
it that I haven't 'gone to a meeting in six months?' yet
I'm still alive? their mentality on life defies logic.

If you're not in meetings you're wrong, there is no sober
outside of meetings you cannot achieve it without their
boring meetings.... etc etc... until I puke my guts out.

Already infuriated and thinking I should leave he asks me
'so how was the movie?' and like last time this happened
I realize withing seconds Pixie tells him everything
and this is for some reason bothering me and I don't know
why... maybe because people know my business when it's
not their bussiness to know.. She is to blame not him
I say nothing 'the movie was shit' I make fun of it yet
still angry that this girl can't keep her mouth shut.

The only thing that went throught my mind at this point
was.... this guy wants her badly yet I fucked her instead
I wonder if she told him? do I need this trouble or being
annoyed like this? naah I shake his hand say goodbye and
go home ..they stayed and went for dinner at midnight something
that I was looking forward to in the past but not in these
present circumstances.

Sober or not people are fucked, over the last five years I've
built a set of rules for myself of what to do and what not to
do cause in the end 'i need to stay away from trouble'.

The suitor is gone as a friend, I might fuck Pixie again
but that's about it I'm done with recovery people the drunks
and addicts are easier to deal with at least in my opinion.


Cheers to a bottle of Collingwood